It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
