have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
