You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
