You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Is it penis luge time yet?
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
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