My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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