its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
