Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
