my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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