hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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