just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
