3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
and you fell through a lawn chair
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