dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
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