i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
