my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
