The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
