I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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