Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
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