you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
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