I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Randomize
