you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Randomize
