Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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