were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
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