i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Randomize
