I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
