I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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