I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
