someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Apparently you make a good broom.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
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