if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
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