you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
