dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Randomize
