and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
