I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Randomize
