It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Randomize
