Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
