the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
