I accidentally burped into my bong.
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
