you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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