I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
