Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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