Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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