SEEEEXXX PLEASE
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
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