when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
