Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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