I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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