Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize