I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize