I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
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