Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
