Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
