yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Randomize
