you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
