I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize
