i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
