true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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