matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
