I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Just cropdusted the office
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
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