He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
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