someone threw a dead crab at me
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
