he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Randomize
