Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Randomize
