can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
